Double whammy: Endometriosis and Lyme Disease.

Photos on the lefts show with today’s bloating associated with endometriosis.

Photos on the rights are my normal overweight self. 🙂

There may be people seeing this who wish they weren’t seeing this and if you’re one of them, please move along now.. I know my body is not sexy by the ideals that society has told us are sexy, I’m not offended, you don’t have to like seeing my body. Believe me, there are plenty of days I don’t like seeing my body. But I’m working on loving myself anyway and the fact is that I am a real woman with a real problem, and I feel it a privilege to find my way on a path of natural wholistic healing and to be able to share it through ways like this. To connect and reach people I may never have dreamed of knowing otherwise. Even though I consider my journey to be in its infancy, I think I have been called to begin sharing with others and help guide young women to knowing that there can be more to healing than conventional synthetic hormone treatments that mask symptoms. I am confident that nature can provide me with a cure; I just have to be patient, open, connect. Allow order to restore in my cells, and continue with the deep detox of a body that was chemically sabotaged for the first 20+ years of its existence. It does not do one’s ego well to become consumed with the idea of a quick fix. Live in the transition, too. There is so much to be learned. When you are always trying to skip ahead to the destination, you miss the scenery. Slow down. Treat your body with respect.

Anyway, what you see in the photo here is a before and after of maybe two weeks’ time. The first photo is taken perhaps close after ovulation (if in fact, I am releasing eggs, which is questionable at this point), at what I feel is my “true weight and shape.” I am not engaging my stomach muscles (as if there were any to engage!) and am totally relaxed. The second photo is also totally relaxed, but only two weeks later, much larger and more swollen. Not pregnant, not a food baby or a splurge weekend. This is what’s termed “endo bloat.” It is a symptom of endometriosis and is caused by excess fluid build up around the belly organs. Endometriosis is a disease in which the endometrial cells that normally grow inside the uterus that shed every month with a menstrual period grow OUTSIDE of the uterus on the linings of other organs like the ovaries, fallopian tubes, intestines, etc. So when that time of the month comes for the hormones to release to start shedding the wall of the uterus, all of the endometrial cells begin bleeding, and the belly area becomes engorged with blood. And it is painful. Oh fuck, does it hurt.

This photo is very important to me for a reason, and I share it for a reason. As my journey with endometriosis begins, I have begun to seek out others to connect with. And I think to myself how important it is for me and inspiring to me to see real women sharing their stories, and I realize: I can do that, and I WANT to do that. I’ve done it before. It’s what I’ve been trying to do. And this is the time to finally put the real and whole truth out there. To tell the story of healing in the present tense, to find encouragement, guidance, and love along the way. To share and motivate. I know its the path I’m supposed to be on. I am so confident in that.

Today, with the viewing of these photo comparisons, is also the first time I am allowing myself to fully accept the diagnosis of endometriosis. A part of me has been fighting the idea. Like, if you admit you have the illness, of course you’ll feel the symptoms. And I would read about other women’s journeys, and wonder how mine compared. Until I realized it wasn’t about a comparison, and this is my real fate, and this is a real problem that is preventing me from living a normal life. Still, for some reason, a few photos of brave women posting their bloated stomachs from endometriosis with inspiring messages to educate about the symptoms really struck me hard. I never noticed bloating in my stomach. This seemed to be a key piece in me allowing myself to connect with the diagnosis, although I’m not sure why. It’s true, some days I feel fatter than others. But that’s because, as a food addict with patterns in binging and purging, there are definitely some days where I am quite fatter than others. However, my eating habits have been in the healthy range now for a couple months, and especially over the time difference in these two photos. I’ve actually lost a few pounds until today when these photos were taken. Seeing the actual difference in the body and feeling how it feels to be inside of that body allowed it to finally click. I accept my diagnosis. By accepting, I can allow my body to truly fight.

Let me explain a little bit more about my inability or unwillingness to accept a diagnosis that has only symptomatic proof. I have had issues with anxiety, depression, and illness most of my life. At one point, as my body began to shed pounds and detox as I incorporated things like meditation and cleaner eating, something inside my brain jumped to the complete opposite side of the fence and told me that all of my illnesses were imaginary. Or rather: were a product of my mind (big difference here.) And my brain had thought it learned infallibly that everything can be cured with a natural diet and strict healthy lifestyle. Our chosen “toxins” – alcohol, MSG, smog, stress, whatever – reflect in our every day aches and pains, and the more dedicated someone is to wellness, the more they will feel it reflected in relief. This is especially true for most of us Americans who have grown up in pain and with chronic illness because they have known only the SAD, and can recall their “best” meals from childhood the ones that came with a toy.

It makes me cringe.

But here’s the cool part: we know better now. I mean “we” collectively, knew better before. Holistic, herbal, and natural healing has been around for longer than I’m sure we even know. The collective movement towards consciousness is warranting a release from the threshold of chemicals that we are being controlled with. Think about it. There are chemicals in our food, in our shampoo, in the air, in our MEDICINE that we are supposed to be given to heal with. And more often than not, the medicine strong enough to actually kill what is making us sick requires additional medicine to counteract side effects. (Don’t get me wrong – I marvel at modern scientific medicine. But I have my doubts in its overzealous application in our society, and believe strongly it contributes to the overall delusion from our original path. That’s an entirely different discussion though, and we’ll revisit it some day.)

Back to the point I was making: once I convinced myself that all the illness my body was feeling would eventually disappear as I continued to move towards total wellbeing, it somehow shifted my feelings into this concept that the illnesses were fake, or conceived, by the bearer. That doesn’t mean they are less real, but it does mean that a huge component to that person for getting over an illness physically would have to be getting over it mentally, because there is a true belief that you are suffering from something outside of your control, something that is “happening” to you. I am beginning to understand now that it is a balance of real physical healing, accompanied with emotional healing of the mind and soul that will result in wellbeing.

As I became more mindful, I felt many symptoms lift from anxiety to migraines, to aches and pains. There was one old lingering thing that I never really acknowledged or understood: endometriosis. I spent a decade of my life never feeling symptoms of this disease because I was on the pill. Perhaps that also tricked me into thinking it wasn’t a threat. My natural lifestyle had led me to the place where I was ready to let go of that one final crutch. The birth control pill. I wanted it gone. I wanted my body to be that much closer to its natural state of being.

I had been prescribed the pill not too long after I started getting periods. I would say within a year or two, so probably by the time I was around 15. I used to have extremely painful periods, with debilitating pelvic pain accompanied with vomiting, extreme weakness and fatigue, cycles of constipation and diarrhea, migraines. The doctor at the time said it could be endometriosis due to family history, and that going on the pill wasn’t harmful so I might as well. She said, even if its not endometriosis and you’re just blessed with horrible periods, The Pill will take care of you. There was not a test for this disease I knew nothing about, but she treated for it with The Pill, and when the symptoms went away, that seemed good enough.

And why shouldn’t I just pop a pill every day? Every one around me, including myself and my older brother, were always on some kind of prescription our whole lives. Got a small problem? Pop a pill for it. It was always the answer. I pass no judgment on my parents or our families, or any families, who live this way. Sometimes it is the answer. Not everyone can find relief naturally. And at the time, there was no way that my parents could see a different cleaner life for us. That not every cold needed antibiotics. They were caring for their family the best way they knew how. It wasn’t known to them how dangerous so many of these foods, drugs (mostly prescription), and lifestyle choices were to a developing child.

But, that was the answer. And on top of an ever-revolving menu of anti-anxiety, anti-depression, pain management, and antibiotic prescription drugs, I began a daily hormonal supplement to control my terrible, no good, very bad periods.

Approaching my 25th birthday, after continuing to wiggle my way into the natural world and finding ways to approach health from new angles, I decided I wanted to nix the hormones. All seemed to be going well for several months, until suddenly, painful periods, fatigue, migraines, digestive problems, and severe hormonal problems began to strike at that time of the month.

At the end of May, I missed a period. A few days before the period was missed, I began to get some extreme lower back pain, and nausea, particularly in the morning. I was tired as hell, and feeling emotional. I got scared, of course, of pregnancy (despite the precautions we take to be safe, I was still, of course, anxious.) Then my period never came. 7 days go by. Home test is negative. 3 more days go by. Another home test is negative. I’ve been nauseous and sometimes vomiting. Tons of pain in my lower belly and pelvic region, seemingly even concentrated to the left side, in the region of my ovary.

Speed up the borrowing parts (a story for another day) of the doctor and hospital visits. Where I stand now with this issue is that I did get an abnormal result on a pap, an LGSIL. I have a colposcopy scheduled in August. An ultrasound of my pelvic region showed nothing concerning. Doctor concludes that endometriosis, if predicted to be my foe before, was most likely bringing me down again. The answer: The Pill! Oh that wonderful pill. When I heard him say that was my solution, I will admit to feeling defeated, but rebellious. I knew this couldn’t be the answer. I knew that there had to be a way around this. So with his permission, I’ve begun to attempt to heal my endometriosis naturally. It will be slower, but it will be a real solution, that will provide permanent relief, rather than mask symptoms.

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On top of this recent coming-to-terms with a diagnosis of endometriosis, I went for a hike on a particularly low-pain day. I returned with 5 ticks on me, removed over 2 days. They were tiny. Two-ish weeks later, a small bullseye rash appeared, but I dismissed it. Again, with my inability to actually accept a diagnosis of a disease, because of my normal paranoia. Some neurological symptoms started popping up in the mix, and then I began to panic about them being connected to my menstrual and hormone issues. (At the time, not having accepted my diagnosis of endometriosis as firm, my mind raced from issue to issue from thyroid problem to brain tumor to ovarian cancer.) A discussion with a close friend motivated me to have a follow up with a doctor, and two days later, I’m now on a Day 1 of a 3-week treatment for Lyme disease. There is a whole nother mental battle going on with the Lyme, that you can bet I will get out of my system in a near future post.

For now, I thank you for hearing my story, and welcome you to follow along as I seek relief from a formerly toxic lifestyle.

Love and light. Namaste.